Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023) [review]
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023) [review]
It's a clone of every previous movie in the franchise
Quick Review
Unwatchable.
I’ve seen roughly 8 minutes of this movie and am confident that I’ve seen everything unique it has to offer. There’s nothing here you haven’t seen before. In fact, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before in the current series of ‘Transformers’ movies.
‘Rise of the Beasts’ is a race-swapped copy-paste of every previous film. The characters are hideous to look at, which is a genius idea in a visual medium! Writing is boring. The story has a generic, dated 3 act layout. Every outcome in every scene can be predicted. Infantile black ‘music’ is assaulting your sensibilities throughout.
Embarrassingly, I would hope, this corruption of childhood memories took 6 writers to bodge together. I checked the credits and they aren’t even the writers from previously plagiarised films. In reality, it’s more like 10+ writers.
There is nothing of substance here. It’s a movie which needs not exist. There are hundreds of thousands of books available with better stories to be told. But these require talent to adapt, which Hollywood lost a long time ago. Hence the endless barrage of cloned movies like ‘Transformers: Rise of the Beasts’ (2023).
If you watch this movie in it’s entirety, you’ll be dumber by the end. If you like it, there is no hope for your gene pool.
Is this a blaxploitation movie?
There is no main review below because there’s nothing I can say without spoilers. Therefore the entire review section is marked as a spoiler.
Overview
Genre(s): Animated, Action, Incel, Man-Baby
Location(s): A green screen
Writer(s): Joby Harold, Darnell Metayer, Josh Peters, Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber, Joby Harold
Director(s): Steven Caple Jr.
Main Actor(s):
Minorities
Computer graphics
Official Synopsis:
Only available on streaming platforms, no synopsis or box art available yet.
“OPTIMUS PRIME and the AUTOBOTS take on their biggest challenge yet in this adrenaline-fueled adventure with "pulse-pounding action."* When a new threat capable of destroying the entire planet emerges, they must team up with a powerful faction known as teh MAXIMALS. With the fate of humanity hanging in the balance, Noah (Anthony Ramos) and Elena (Dominique Fishback) will do whatever it takes to help the TRANSFORMERS allies as they engage in the ultimate battle to save Earth in this "exciting new chapter in the TRANSFORMERS saga."**”
What’s with the asterisks in the synopsis? Those are comments from paid reviewers, shoehorned in to the synopsis to make people think it’s a good movie. This way they can say it’s not the filmmakers telling you it’s good. No, it’s the out of context reviews and people the studio paid to positively review it… which is completely different!
Box Art:
In More Detail (now with spoilers!)
Everything I have to say about this movie includes spoilers. So I’ve merged sections for this review? Rant? Do I need to watch an entire movie to review it?
The Opening
‘Transformers: Rise of the Beasts’ (2023) opens with a flashback of how some magical device came to be on Earth. It’s the only original part of the movie and even this I think I’ve seen before. You know what, I have…
‘Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon’ (2011) opens on Cybertron with a big battle for some technology, resulting in a ship escaping and heading to Earth. ‘Transformers 6: Rise of the Beasts’ (2023) opens on a generic planet with a big battle for some technology, resulting in a ship escaping and heading to Earth.
OK, so that’s just one ‘coincidence’. Arguments can made in its defence. Right?
The job of a creative director is to be creative and direct. Mind blown. But how many different dramatic openings can there be? If the limit of your creativity is re-purposing the opening from a previous entry in your franchise, you’re not a creative director. It would almost be forgivable if lifted from something outside the franchise.
In an infinite universe, why do things continually end up on Earth? The AllSpark, the Transformers, the galactic bridge-sticks from ‘Dark of the Moon’ and now this thing. There are probably other examples but I’ve more important information to retain.
Primus was at the center of Cybertron and that’s who Unicron was hunting down. Should have been, if the movies had any respect for canon. Cybertron was destroyed in one of these godawful movies, so… everything is drawn to Earth because… something something, danger zone? Perhaps it’s explained in the movie. I’ll never know.
Well what do I know, I’m just some idiot with a keyboard. True. Though, if I were paid insane amounts of money to write this trash, I would have actually done my job and fully explained the origins of Unicron and Cybertron. Probably in the opening sequence.
If action is demanded by the studio, there could have been flashbacks through the millennia of different robots fighting it out to save their planets and losing. Ultimately creating a link between Unicron, Cybertron and Earth. Instead there’s a generic fight between people we don’t know or care about. Someone dies who we have no emotional connection to and looks identical to the person who replaced them, so why does it matter they died? This is how you don’t make a movie.
After a brief title sequence, confirmation of a box office flop is slapped in our faces by means of pounding, degenerate, ethnic noise.
Black ‘Culture’ is Not to be Praised, Emulated or Encouraged
Any movie which opens with black noise is almost never worth watching. Take this as a sign to enact ‘The 15 minute protocol’. That means jumping 15 minute intervals throughout the rest of the film, waiting a few seconds, then advancing another 15 minutes. If you find yourself continually offended at the pause breaks then switch it off. This is ‘Rise of the Beasts’.
The problem with this establishing shot is that its purpose is to set a tone for the rest of the movie. Back ‘music’ encourages violence, theft, murder and rape. This may be the dominant ‘culture’ in the USA, but not the other literal 95% of people who populate the world. We all reject black ‘culture’ and the destruction it brings to society. You’ve just alienated the majority of your fan base.
USA population ~330m. World population ~8,000m
330,000,000 / 8,000,000,000 * 100 = 4.125%
(of world population)
Why is this the opening to a kids movie? We should be giving children hope and encouragement, not raising them to be criminals. All the greatest movies predominantly feature instrumental music. That doesn’t mean orchestral. Music should be used to convey emotion and set the ambiance, not take the place of incompetent writers. Unfortunately instrumental music takes talent and costs money. The major studios don’t have much of either to spare these days.
There are 3 reasons for the inclusion of this offensive noise. The first is, obviously, money. Although movie studios pay for licenced music, they also take a cut of soundtracks sold. Assuming the audio ‘artist’ doesn’t work for the studio’s parent company. Sony movies contain a lot of music by ‘artists’ signed to Sony, keeping more money internalised.
Second is marketing, which ties in to the first point. The movie can now be marketed as featuring music by <unknown> ‘artist’ who has 50 million Instagram followers. Yet curiously has sold only 50 records. Weird how bots work. The ‘artist’ will also cross promote under their social media accounts… to bots. Not that marketing has any concept of reality.
Finally, it’s the message. You, the rest of the world, have to embrace the evil that is black ‘culture’. It’s a good thing to not want to leave your house because it will be broken in to. To be an elderly person scared to walk to the supermarket because you will be robbed. Your daughter got drugged and raped at a party? Well that’s just their ‘culture’, embrace it.
Reject it.
A vile opening of auditory abuse, promoting rape and murder, informs viewers exactly what to expect going forward i this kids movie; everything you shouldn’t be in life.
Despite being set in 1994 New York, there will be no white people featured in this movie. Haven’t seen it. Guarantee it. More ethno-bots will be added for ‘the message’. The ‘music’ will not only continue, but become immeasurably inappropriate. Prove me wrong, movie.
‘The 15 minute protocol’ has been enacted.
White People are Evil
Timestamp 14:32
Well that didn’t take long! The main character looks to be some crossbreed of South American and black. Doesn’t matter, they’re treated the same by fake news and politicians chasing votes. The way Hollywood portrays South Americans as being wannabe blacks is quite disgusting. At least to people outside the USA.
It’s unfortunate that South America has begun a general shift towards Americanised black ‘culture’, when they have centuries of civilised Spanish history to celebrate. Not to mention the ancient tribes of South America. But the movie will have them listening to rap music and talking like degenerates from the projects. Can’t remember every seeing a movie featuring a person from South America listening to ‘Ill Niño’.
I assume. Again, I’m not wasting my life sitting through this drivel. I’ve already sat through the previous 5 abortions in the franchise.
No, ‘Bumblee’ (2018) doesn’t count as a Transformers movie. It was the first of the SJW movies, gender-swapping characters for ‘the message’.
Speaks for itself…
If you power through to this part of the movie and you continue watching, you’re a mask wearing dent head.
I guess the context is the ethnic guy has a criminal past? Or maybe he’s under-skilled and deluded to think he deserves the position because of his ethnicity? Perhaps he’s a single father with a young child, can only work part-time, 4 days a week, demands to earn the same as everyone else and makes the company pay for childcare. Oh no, that’s women who do that. Equality.
There’s a reason an old white man saying this to a person of a questionable ethnic background. It’s social engineering and they’re targeting children, because everyone involved with these movies are groomers. Fact.
I’m going to continue, though recommend no one else does. Go watch… name a film. You know what, go watch the first 3 ‘Transformers’ movies from this iteration. They’re the same thing but better.
Shia LaBeoufing
Timestamp 25:17
The 15 minute protocol isn’t exact!
Another Generic Robot Fight
Timestamp 44:10
There are a dozen in each movie. Each being almost entirely pointless.
Race-Swapping Transformers
Timestamp 59:07
Cool, there’s a South American Transformer with an accent so forced it should be on trial for assault. How appropriate for a criminally stupid movie littered with pandering ethnic crap.
Ha! It’s Wheeljack. No. That’s not Wheeljack. I have to watch this entire scene now. Pray for me.
They Went There
Timestamp 59:38
This South American robot calls the South American(ish) guy racist, for assuming the the robot with a South American accent and Spanish text on its bodywork can speak Spanish. Butchered Spanish, they don’t speak actual Spanish in South America.
Buddy, this entire film is race-swapping, box-checking, anti-white racism.
Now That’s a Surprise!
Timestamp 01:00:42
The ethnic guy found a fat, ugly black girl to partner with! Shocked face. The bookies stopped taking bets on her being a hyper-intelligent scientist, they said it was too obvious.
She didn’t get the job because she can act. She has no talent. How do I know without seeing the movie? Because there was never any question whether the supporting cast member would be white. Which means the best person wasn’t hired for the job. Given how ugly she is, she was clearly for ‘the message’.
That is; ‘if ugly, our of shape people are put in movies, people will feel better about not trying in life’. Great message for kids there…
This monstrosity was hired to appease a crowd of idiots. To brainwash children in to believing that a minority of the population are a majority. I guarantee there are a thousand white or Asian actresses who could have played the part better, but they weren’t even given an audition because of the agenda.
Speaking of box checking, which of them are gay? The ethnic girl or the ethnic guy? Although the guy looks far more feminine than her, on a scale surpassing Unicron, I previously saw glimpses of a kid with ethnic guy. Is it his brother, son or is he interested in children. I’m…. going with paedo at this point. That’s a big part of the agenda.
This is why Hollywood are hemorrhaging literally billions of dollars a year. In reality, no one wants so see ugly people in movie. Unless they’re being fed in to a wood chipper.
Boooooring
Timestamp 01:14:33
More animal themed robots. Only this time they’re less interesting and sporting fur. Not sure how machines generate living cells to make fur, but I assume the film explains these things. Given it’s for kids and they should be educated on such contradictions of science.
Why go with a gorilla over a fire breathing Tyrannosauruses Rex? That’s choosing a bicycle over a rocket to Mars.
Hang On
Why do Transformers in these later movies walk like humans? In the first few films they had some robotic movement to them. It was subtle, but there.
This latest balls-up has a pink robot, who I believe is meant to be Arcee; a lightweight, ballerina-esque robot. Her movements are expected to be more fluid than others. However, she exactly moves like a human. Even if her animation was taken directly from motion capture, a professional actor should have understood they were playing a robot and stiffened their movements to some extent. Or the animators could have added some sharp transitions.
Now I’m fixated on the animations of other robots. Were they always this lifelike?
Seen It
Timestamp 01:23:18
This bird-bot appears to be infected with a robo-virus which makes them switch allegiances. Nothing like what happened to Optimus Prime in ‘The Last Knight’, where he was infected with a robo-virus which made him switch allegiances.
Seen That Too
Looks like this film is ending with bad guys invading Earth and a large robot fight scene. That’s original.
This happens in all 5 previous movies. I only screen captured ‘The Last Knight’ because it’s almost identical in setting, battle and inevitable outcome.
Megan Fox is Better Than You
Timestamp 01:36:54 (please end soon!)
One of the Transformers, meant to be Mirage (it’s not), gets injured and can’t fight. So he turns himself into armour, wrapping around the ethnic guy, with the line “I’m gonna need you to take the wheel”. At which point the pair fight as one against… whatever.
Bit of a tenuous link, but all I could think during this scene was Megan Fox. Not unusual, I think about her often, but this time in reference to the first live action ‘Transformers’ (2007). Bumblebee is injured, he can’t fight, Megan hooks him to a tow truck then drives around with him on the back, after delivering the line “I’ll drive, you shoot”.
What?
Timestamp 01:37:35
Is ethnic guy meant to be Spike? If so then the kid linked to him should be Daniel, right? Not that any of this makes sense with the race-swapping and blissful ignorance of lore.
Can’t wait for you to turn in a car and rip your own limbs off. No really, that would redeem this filth.
I couldn’t find a picture of Spike, but his suit is the same as Daniel’s. Deal with it.
No, he can’t be Spike.
The Final Fight
All that’s left is a generic, CG rendered fight. This is basically an animated movie. Calling it live action is false advertising.
Didn’t know what was going on, didn’t care. It’s been done in previous entries in this franchise and done better in them too.
I watched a little more of this final battle than necessary, as I wanted to confirm the existence of 2 distinct licenced droning ethnic noises. Completely irrelevant to the scene, the lyrics had no relation to anything, they were included solely for the agenda. The studio needs black Americans to see this movie because they’re 14% of the population. Forget the other 86% who aren’t watching but would have made it a commercial success.
Well I’m reasonably sure there were 2. It’s all the same; obnoxiously loud beat, comical voice, meaningless infantile lyrics, horribly auto-tuned, repeats every 3 seconds because the listeners are too mentally deficient to keep a thought in their head any longer.
There was 1 moment which impressed me enough to rewind though. It’s a scene where ethnic guy, wearing robo-suit, is pushing Optimus Prime along. Not sure the hundreds of millions of dollars and a near 2 hour runtime was worth this 6 second shot, but I found it the only interesting part of a film I didn’t watch.
Perhaps this was the basis for the entire movie? Someone thought this would be a great scene so threw a couple of hundred million dollars at it? I would have rendered this myself for $50 in Maya over a couple of weekends if someone had asked.
This Film is Worthless
I have over 8,000 movies. A mere fraction of what’s available today. There are plenty of films out there which are more original, more enjoyable, more honest than this copy-paste waste of space. Put some effort in to life, even for mundane actions like picking a movie to play in the background. You’ll perk up, be more alert, happier, healthier and so will those around you.
If you watch stupid, you become stupid.
